First gay fantasy - with my ex-wife!

I was regularly fucking my ex-wife, Jill Mason, which began after a session of mutual oral sex. She could give a good blowjob. One cock sucking, in particular, was the best ever, I could feel all my fluids being sucked from my prostate. Strange and wonderful feeling. But that was years ago in my car, behind a storefront in Bay Shore.Tonight was the usual, but very good. I was on top and she was yelling and screeching as she often did. I think I said something dirty once while fucking and she really got into it. “Don’t stop, fuck my cunt, you’re gonna make me fuckin cum!” with a powerful release she almost bucked me off and then collapsed and giggled.Now was my turn.I loved it this way. It was great when we had cum together, but times like this, when she was "done" it was all for me, and my darker side really enjoyed it. She had already cum hard and was just laying there, letting me fuck her body. I was taking her. Her body was laying there and I was fucking it. "It".The girl I dated before I married Jill, Mary of Port Jefferson, was chubby. Big soft floppy tits, furry cunt, jiggly ass. It was good but when I first fucked Jill, it was a real ‘wow’.Jill is thin. Petite. I loved feeling her small body beneath mine. Yes, I loved fucking Jill’s thin, petite body very much. Her thin lips wrapped around my hard cock. I particularly loved it when she would take my soft dick into her mouth and work it till it was a full thick 7 inches. Sometimes after I'd cum in her mouth, she would deep kiss me and our tongues would slosh around my warm cum. While fucking I often had fantasies that she was a “barely legal, nubile women", sometimes a stepdaughter, or more likely, a neighbor who stopped by after high school or college for a fucking. Compared to chubby Mary, I really loved feeling Jill’s small body wrapped around me and loved fucking it.Anyway...So now it was my turn to fuck and cum. I had her get in doggy position. Arms folded with head down resting on them, ass up in the air. Her legs were on the outside, mine in. I loved watching my cock disappear into her cunt. I’d slowly thrust and loved seeing her cunt hairs pull out and in with my sticky cock. Mmmmm...THIS is what it's all about.I held her hips and fucked her. All the while watching her tiny tight asshole and dreaming of it. She was tired and wanted to lay flat, face down. I love that position. Her legs came together, mine now on the outside. Why I love it so much is that when I am thrusting, I am not just in or out. Her ass cheeks and thighs are giving me constant contact so when I am pulling out of her cunt, I’m still in her cheeks and thighs.I love it when after a few minutes of this, I would hear her voice, completely neutral and nonsexual, whisper, “Make it quick sweetie, I’m starting to get sore.” My god, I loved that. I was horny and she was not. I was fucking her body while she could only lay there and take it. I was taking it and it was mine. Fantasies of force fucking would often come to mind and she too would get into “being forcefully taken”. But it wasn’t that way this time.I was now laying flat on her, elbows holding me up. And I was pounding her now slimy, but still firm, cunt. I fantasized we were on a nude beach and people were watching me fuck her. And then it happened.Completely by surprise and from nowhere expected, I suddenly had an image of me fucking, still on a nude beach with people watching, but this time it was not Jill, but a young, thin, college guy and I was fucking his asshole!My eyes opened, I shook my head as if to toss the image away. I gathered my focus and went back to fucking Jill this time and watched her head, hair, thin body shake with each powerful horny thrust, and immersed myself in "talking her" until I was finished with her.Afterward, I wondered "My god, what had I done? Where did that image come from?"I thought about it during the week and even jerked off to the idea. Still felt icky and weird. Did I somehow love her thin, petite body not only because it reminded me of the skinny nubile women I had seen in pornos or did I love her body because iI could easily imagine the look and feel subconsciously like that of a young college dude?I tried watching some gay porn and it did intrigue me. When there was kissing I hit fast forward. But like in all other pornos, I loved watching the cock cum, whether it be onto a woman or in a guys ass. Interesting, It was all about the cock. I began masturbating more to gay porn, usually straightforward, closeup ass fucking. I KNEW what he was feeling when he came or as he jerked off and squirted his sperm.A couple week later Jill and I fucked again and the same situations came up, same positions etc. not in a boring way at all - more like returning to a favorite restaurant.This time I anticipated the gay fantasy. As she lay there flattened out waiting for me to guide my cock into her wet cunt, I thought on sticking my cock in that an imaginary gay asshole instead. I grabbed my cock and closed my eyes, seeing us on a nude beach. In my mind, I pushed my cock into his asshole.I paused.I didn’t have to continue. I could go back to “fucking Jill’s sweet school girl body” but chose not to. What the hell was I doing? Said the other half of my brain. I closed my eyes and started fucking. Slowly, then deep and hard, smoothly and continuously I imagined fucking another guy, my cock buried in his asshole. Over and over, in and out. My balls were warm and hanging loose and I could hear them slap against her - I mean HIS - ass. I could feel myself losing control as if possessed. I was violently fucking and wanted more.I heard her whimper or gasp after a deep thrust. I didn't care. I wanted to fuck this imaginary guys ass until I had squirted all my sperm and seamen into his asshole. I wanted nothing more but for it to continue forever. I don't know how long that went on for.I heard a harsh growl come out of me, deep from my gut and throat. Then suddenly and violently I began to release all my fluids into Jill’s limp and fuck-pounded body. I collapsed onto her.“My god” she whispered. “That was fucking amazing. What got into you?”"It felt so good being inside you. Felt so good fucking your body." I didn't know if I was telling Jill or my imaginary friend. I had used her in a new way and I liked it very much.She had no idea what was really going on in my mind. In fact, in my mind, I was still on that beach, the sun bearing down and a few distant people watching in our aftermath. My cock still hard but softening, was still inside her now sloppy cunt.I realized I had turned some deeply psychological corner of my life.It was inevitable from the start that our marriage would not last more than a year and yet to this day I do so miss fucking Jill. We were too fundamentally different and our families thought we never should have been together in the first place. After receiving a blowjob from Lia, a woman I worked with a few weeks later, I realized we couldn’t remain married. We were too different and I had too much shit going on in my head.I fucked Lia for a few months then a series of other women over the next few years including a woman -and later he daughter- and got hundreds of handjobs in Asian massage parlors all over Long Island. A few covered blowjobs too. I was still searching.To this day I have not really been in physical contact with another male, but I have gone to adult shops and jerked off in groups together and while watching other guys either get gay blowjobs or fuck each other. It’s very hot for me to stand there while they do that, my cock out and jerking off for all to see.I told one such story of a near blowjob while jerking off from this time in a video store (look it up).I’m happily married now but still, I do have these gay and shemale fantasies. I really think I might try it if a clean cut, a non-threatening unassuming guy came along in the right circumstances. But mostly its the fear of herpes and other STD’s that keep me from getting a gay blowjob or fucking another man in the ass.And that was a bit of a revelation to me. Did I see what I just wrote? I could see myself trying things with a guy it if not for the fear of disease and infection and NOT because it's "gay". The idea of male and female has almost completely washed away for me on many levels. I still love a female body, which is why I love shemale porn) In fact DBA tells us all humans -Males and females- are 98.5% equal to each other; just a few X and Y chromosomes making the difference. So what the hell...cock, clit; prostate, G-Spot? It's all good, an acquired taste, but all good.